Happy Sunday! To my surprise I was up and running by 8:30 today and was totally embracing the days possibilities but I wanted to sit a minute or two or thirty and chat with you guys about Disappointment. Today many go to their place of worship and discuss Forgiveness and being Kind to their fellow man and the importance of Family and Purpose but how many will take those teachings to heart and walk out and Live it?
This past week I had two eye opening experiences that hurt my heart deeply and woke me up to life's sometimes cruel reality. Human beings when wrapped up in their own pain, struggles or plans can be really oblivious to others around them and act very poorly. This can be displayed in both words and or actions.
My first lesson was last Saturday evening, I had just returned from a camera date and was feeling really happy and proud of my captures. I was home whining down and called baby #2 (my grandma) to check up on her. Five minutes into the conversation with her weekend Home Attendant I knew that things were heading down hill. It was like I was in the middle of some bad relationship drama, with the he said she said. The one where you start to point out things that you have been holding onto for some time and the flood gates just opened up...WIDE.
illustration by pinterest
I won't get into details because the conversation was an hour and fifteen minutes and I will never forget that number because I will never get that time back and this woman displayed all the character traits I dislike and try to stay away from. Liars, schemers, cowards, manipulators, weasel behavior. She took an almost two year relationship and trust and spit on it and dragged it through the mud then set it on fire for show. She revealed some things that she was holding on to because "I am just not easy to talk to" that could have potentially put my almost 93yr old grandma that suffers from Alzheimers in danger.
As I calmly explained to her I will never be easy to talk to if you lie to me in my face, then talk behind my back then come back as if nothing has happened. And why would anyone feel anything less that frustration and disappointment if things have just been revealed that could have been handled much earlier had someone had the respect to just speak up? You can't expect peace if you have set the tone for Chaos.
I referenced the fact that there are four women taking care of baby #2. I am the lead I take my cue from the remaining three I can only solve a problem when I know there is one. I also pointed out the fact that my main responsibility and concern is my grandma if she is safe and good I am fine put her in harms way and we have a problem. I don't play with that it's like when parents protect their children at all costs, she is like my child. She can't defend herself or speak for herself or do for herself. She relies on us, on me to make the best choices for her and this woman was not understanding the depth of that. I had to invest a total of three trips to Brooklyn to speak to the other Home Attendants. I had to play mom and coral the kids at different times to get their versions of the story, then dissect the information to come out with the truth, remove Saturday problem lady. Parenting never stops, those skills go with you every where.
illustration by rowingupriver.org
My next lesson came from my daughter. After almost twenty one years she made a flip statement in fast conversation at 9am in the morning that bought tears to my eyes and pain to my heart. It was the first time ever I had felt she was disappointed in Me and ashamed of who her parents were. It was such a blow one that felt like what being punched in the stomach must feel like. She tried to correct herself right after but the damage had already been done and I just politely asked that we stop conversing any further, I gathered myself and left for work.
As a mother all I have ever wanted to do and have done is make the best decisions for her safety and growth. The sacrifices I have made have been for her to reap the rewards of the life her father and I didn't have and to hear from her words that suggest we somehow failed is disappointing indeed. I spent the whole day in sadness just soaking up this new revelation.
illustration by positivelypresent.com
I held an hour long internal conversation with myself just going over our life and laying the pieces down and I realized that yes to a twenty year old who is extremely driven and energetic and full of knowledge and conviction some of her parents choices may seem lazy and perhaps even weak but we worked with the cards that were dealt to us and did the best that we could with what we had at the time. I wasn't mad at her turns out because she was a reflection of all the hard work that's been put into her and it was that hard work that gave her the confidence to speak what was to her at that moment her truth. At that moment I made peace with her words and understood the emotions behind them. She was upset at how life had played out for her parents because she saw how much more they were capable of.
Several hours passed that day and my lil mama texted me that she wanted us to have dinner together and have a chat so we did. She made us dinner and we talked about our day and then she touched on our exchange earlier that morning and apologized profusely. Turned out she had ran into a woman while in school and they had had a lengthy conversation about many things one being the sacrifices parents make for their children. Seems the woman's own share on her journey with her son touched my little one and gave her a different perspective.
illustration by loveandbiscotti.com
She told me how proud she was and always has been of me and all I have provided for her and how she was grateful for all the lessons her father had taught her as well. She commented on how she had reflected on her own maturity and present situation and couldn't imagine being able to handle all we had to handle on our own. She said she had a new appreciation for all she had learned on that day.
She said she understood now how a real good parents job is never really done. That we are always working towards making things better for our children. I accepted her apology and her hugs and kisses with open arms and told her I respected what she had to say and was grateful we could talk.
The Reflection of Disappointment, if we stopped to look at ourselves more often we would spread more kindness. We would speak our peace with gentler words. We would see ourselves in others. We are all just trying to figure things out.
Having the responsibility of caring for another is such a strong role. Parenting is a journey with many stations. Disappointment is one we will all land on but if we learn to communicate clearly and with respect our stay there can become very short.
Someone we love will disappoint us and someone who loves us we will disappoint. How are you going to handle that moment? What will you say or do to get to the next station? If you already were there how did you handle it? Let's start a conversation.
Always stress free xo