Healing from Family Traumas and Generational Curses. It can all start with You.
When you share your Own truth, no one can hurt you with it.
For a very long time I would tippy-toe around subjects dealing with my family. In elementary school I rarely had friends over my home and never any sleep overs. In H.S. a few would stop by but not for long, it wasn’t until my Senior year that my friend Mayra actually use to sleep over most weekends and that was because we shared commonalities about our family background that I felt comfortable, as did my mother, to have her around.
I was always sort of hiding how everyone in my family didn’t get along. How every gathering turned into an argument until we stopped gathering altogether. How jealousy and resentment ran rampant amongst the different age groups. It wasn’t until I was thirteen and in H.S. that I realized more families had similar issues like mine than I thought. On the train rides to and from school, at lunch time, when we played hooky, when someone was sad, these moments bought out a lot of TRUTHS.
A lot of pain was being carried in these young minds and bodies but no one was paying attention, acknowledging them, and allowing healing to take place. I’ve been out of H.S. now for many years but I am still dealing with and working on Healing from family traumas and Generational curses. I know how to articulate my words now, how to look for tools, how to be kind to myself and others. I know how to walk with my head held high because I have nothing to be ashamed of. This was what I was born into not who I am.
I left home a day before my eighteenth birthday and I went to live with my father. I made a choice not to become them, not to repeat their patterns but still throughout the years their ways have surfaced and not served me well. We all have two parents, whether they are around or not their crap becomes our crap until we stop and say NO. My daughter has had no choice but to be part of this ride with me. An example of having to deal with her parents crap that she didn’t ask for in the first place but luckily because I choose to communicate with her differently the painful moments have become less painful because we have each other, we love one another, we are not competing and we have respect for what each of us brings to the table.
My daughter and I have always talked about everything and anything. My approach has always been age appropriate language, respectful exchanges, and at the end of day, I am your Mother not your friend. When her father and I split up she was about eleven or twelve, that’s around the time the conversations become even deeper and more revealing about family issues. As the years have passed we have both changed so much, grown in our own truths yet remained loving and kind. No one can hurt you with your own Truth.
She is close to being twenty-four now and far more resilient than I had ever dreamt for her. She was there when I had my Stroke and was ready to tackle anything that came our way. This past year has been a real test of healing for both of us. Soon it will be two years since her great-grandmother’s transition and we haven’t spoken a word to our family. That’s a lot for someone to deal with and she has had to deal with large periods in her life where she has had no contact with either side of her family most of her life. I have gotten use to it, I don’t like it but I have accepted that is the way it is. Together, over the years we decided to peel away the layers. We don’t sit in resentment, we talk about where we come from. We understand the lack of education and the lack of care our family has received for their mental health.
We have acknowledged the rolls that poverty going back to our family in the Dominican Republic played in the lives my grandmother and mother had when they immigrated to the United States. We have broken down the family tree as best we could to peel away who, what , when, and where the lack of LOVE and SUPPORT stems from. We accept that we can not change what has happened and how it has touched us but we certainly can make it different for us moving forward. Family traumas can be anything from being triggered with loud voices because you grew up watching your parents or family members fighting to hoarding food or things because you had a lack of growing up.
Family traumas manifest themselves in many ways . We have had hours and hours of conversations breaking down different events over the years. This is how we heal, this is how we let go of baggage that isn’t ours to carry. We talk and talk and talk some more. The shame is gone. The truths are being told by those who know them best US. We also deal with the Generational Curses with being born into this family. Lack of ambition, lack of finances, lack of support, lack of family values. Our list is endless but so is the list of most people of color especially,
Coming from ancestors deemed less than is a huge burden. Knowing you are more than how you are being treated or what you are being called yet being subjected to horrible conditions doesn’t go away. Time should be able to heal you but it doesn’t, it hasn’t because we still deal with it today. It is only through conversations, seeking help, finding useful tools, and letting go that it starts. Healing from family traumas and Generational curses takes time, takes courage, takes a willingness to let go of the past. You need to find the strength to open up some of these wounds in order to grow.
Some of the tools my daughter and /or I have used over the years have been:
writing and burning letters
Yoga and Meditation
Self Help books
Workshops and Sister Circle events
I personally added these two amazing women to my tool kit, I may have spoken about them before but want to mention them again because their services are much needed in any community but especially in my community. Seida Hood is a Licensed Family Therapist, dealing with issues that our breaking our families apart but with conversations and a willingness to work can have different outcomes and a fellow Brooklynite Nikita Banks who is a Licensed Psychotherapist focused on healing our Mental Health. Sometimes we need to talk with someone outside of our circle. Again, let go of the shame and speak our Truths and going to a Therapist could help. Whatever it is you need, do it. Seida has a great Tribe I joined a while back, a group of women who come together in a safe space to talk and heal. Nikita’s raw delivery of her own Truths through her podcasts and Instagram stories drew me in. Confirmed that the more we think we are different the more alike we are.
It can all start with You.
I free myself every day a little bit more because I know I am not my families past, I am not what they choose to be today I am what I choose to be right NOW. Create your happiness Live your Life. Share your journey, leave a comment would love to hear from you. Love and Light.