How many Questions is too many Questions in building a Relationship?
Hello! Can I just jump right in and tell you how excited I am to be chatting with you today about a topic I never get tired of. Relationships. How they work, how they don't work, how to build strong ones, how to let go of the crappy ones. Now I don't hold any degrees to label myself an "expert", but I do believe my life experiences have given me some validity to work from. Expertise comes from trial and error and I have had a few of those. I believe we all have so, in reality, if we just pay attention and learn from our mistakes, we are all experts.
I believe a lot can be revealed in conversations, I think when people feel comfortable any and all questions can be asked. I believe people pretty much present themselves as they are if you 'look" carefully. My dating journey after my last committed relationship over five years ago has been eye-opening, to say the least. I am grateful I entered it with the clarity of knowing what I would and would not accept or deal with.
One big lesson has been when conversations are had many words are spoken but nothing has really been said. Did you get that? Do you know what I mean? Has it ever happened to you? Forget about just dating or getting to know someone, how about in any conversation where half way through your like "wait, what just happened?" But in the "dating" or "getting to know" someone world this can be especially frustrating. Questions get asked we get lots and lots of words but no clear answers. Most of the time I find myself feeling like I've just gotten off a hamster wheel, "what was the question again? I forgot oh yeah but what was the answer?"
I wrote about this in another post and I am going to share snippets of it here:
*Intelligence would help dictate that we are being taken for fools but ego keeps us stuck and like puppets, we continue to just go along. Same goes for most relationships where things are clear from the start but we chose to see otherwise.
If we handled our relationships the same way we handle let's say, the details of buying a new car or planning our lifelong dream vacation we would be experts at cutting out what is not necessary. We would pay more attention to the details, we would be more in tune with our heart's desire. But instead, our eyes get clouded by the package. The wrapping is nice, the box is huge clearly what's inside must be awesome! Everything is shiny it's what everyone is scrambling for and you have it. Why would anyone see a problem?
Ok then so let's start paying attention to the details. How many deep conversations have you had? What has been revealed since your first hello? Did anything turn you off immediately, did you have a follow-up question when it happened? Do the conversations flow or are there constant stop signs? Are you tense or are you loving? Do you feel empathy, are you really listening? When you walked away what did you remember?
So many questions I know. We, especially women have been told for so long "don't ask so many questions" but why not? I'm not talking about conducting an interview but to some degree we are. How will I know what I like or don't like? How will I make decisions I can live with if I don't ask the questions and not just questions but the right questions because yes there are right and wrong questions. Cutting out what is not necessary.
-I don't need to know exactly what it is you do right off the bat, I need to know how long you have been doing it. That establishes reliability and commitment. If you can't be still in a job how can you be still in a relationship?
-What is your fondest memory? If it entails going to the club then you already know two things. Maturity and Value. The lack of maturity will become an issue long-term and this individual hasn't learned what true value means.
-What was the best thing your mother ever said to you? The response will let you know if any mommy issues. Same applies if you switch to dad.
-What does your best day look like? Establishes if the person is superficial or down to earth.
-Last book read? Willingness to continue to learn and grow
-What's your x year plan? It could be from 1-3. It allows you to gauge if this person is a semi planner or just fly by the seat of their pants. If they can be both then awesome. If too rigid one way or the other CAUTION.
These are some good conversation suggestions that could easily cut out what is not necessary. Time is valuable. No one wants to be around that person who just talks and has no substance.
I have been told that it is never appropriate to mention the x or x's on the first date but I say depending on the subject matter why not? I don't mean a whole history lesson but a brief comment can totally let you know what baggage might be still lingering around.
Just a thought...
So what do you think? My perspective has pretty much remained the same since I wrote that piece. It helped me to quickly cut off an individual that had way too many "baby mama" drama and another that was "still finding" himself. Sorry, Not sorry I choose to have No Time for it.
How many Questions is too many Questions in building a Relationship? How honest should you be from the beginning? What questions would you or do you ask of a potential mate? Even a potential friend? Do you oppose certain questions or are you open to all depending on how it is presented? Share your thoughts.
Always stress-free xo,