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How to Make Friends with Bias Thinking

How to Make Friends with Bias Thinking

The most fundamental aggression to ourselves, the most fundamental harm we can do to ourselves, is to remain ignorant by not having the courage and the respect to look at ourselves honestly and gently.
— Pema Chodron, When Things Fall Apart

My coping mechanism when things go wrong is to read, to dissect, to investigate. I find comfort and peace in knowledge. Whatever hurt I am dealing with I never want to feel again so I want to learn why it happened so that I may avoid it in the future.

I dealt with the end of my two serious relationships very differently. One, I totally took the blame for and the other I totally passed the buck. One, I really didn't even dissect the other I totally picked apart. Both were the best things to ever happen to me, come to find out in due time. Time does more than heal wounds, if we are interested it can become our greatest teacher. If we invest the time the rewards will manifest tenfold.

Not a moment goes by in my daily life that I am not reaping the rewards of those two relationships and though years have passed the lessons continue to unfold. I was watching Pema Chodron, a famous Buddhist teacher whom I admire a great deal give a speech or more like a friendly talk about Living with Vulnerability. In her talk, she shared a beautiful story about her mother. Well really not so beautiful but indeed profound and telling. In her story, she shared how she thought her mother was the worst until an old friend of her mothers came for a visit and she saw another side of her mom. A funny, loving, sweet, kind mother and from that moment she began to question if it was just her being fixated in viewing her mother in just one way.

That share touched me not only because of what she said about her mother and how it brought up thoughts about my own mother but just as a whole. Just in thinking how we deal with the people we come across in our lives. Our minds are like a packed room at times, there is no place to move around but if we just take a second to slow down we can feel space begin to open. That takes practice.

We must practice stopping our minds, acknowledge the thoughts, the judgments and train ourselves to become friends with these moments. Becoming friends will translate into changing our perspectives. Our bias thinking will soon break apart and invite more rational peaceful thoughts. Becoming friends with these situations will allow us to acknowledge but not escalate matters. This will also translate into kindness to ourselves.

Bias thinking is what caused me to handle the end of my relationships so differently. Bias thinking is what causes many of us to judge people for past actions and approach them from that point in time. The relationship I dissected helped me to change my perspective on the one I pushed the blame to and the one I pushed the blame to helped me change my perspective on the one I pulled apart. Both helped me look at myself in a different light which trickled onto how I viewed all my connections, life and especially myself.

I made friends with my past judgments. I made friends with my past choices I made friends with the me that didn't know better until she knew better. Opening my thoughts, slowing down changing my perspective. All these things slowly helped me to heal and to find peace and to let go of the harsh judgments I had been holding on to for far too long.

We always have a choice. Why not try:

  • changing your perspective
  • slowing your thoughts down
  • acknowledging but not escalating
  • opening up your mental space
  • being more of a friend than a foe

What do you think? Have you been holding on to judgments that no longer are true? Are you being judged for your past and can't seem to get away from it? Share your experience with me.

Always stress free xo,


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