How to Recognize and Survive Emotionally Unavailable people
Broken people prey on other Broken people, this I believe most of us can agree on for sure.
We all see it in most cases of abuse as the stories begin to unfold and the history of the abusers come to light. Whether it’s child abuse, domestic abuse, pedophiles, sexual assaults at some point somewhere this person or persons themselves experienced some sort of trauma. There is no excuse but unfortunately we live in a society with many broken systems. A lot of these things go on as others are around but are never dealt with perhaps due to circumstances.
By now many have heard and I hope you have as well of the #muterkelly movement. By now somewhere somehow you have come in contact with the Surviving R Kelly documentary series. And by now I hope that a deep discussion about separation of public persona and private one is being had everywhere.
I asked a question on my Instagram a few days ago, “Can you separate someone who is generally nice from their poor behavior? How can you rationalize the slip ups?” I asked this question because I have noticed especially with celebrities that society tends to separate the actions from the artist when and if it suits them. The same applies to most of the people that surround these individuals if large financial gains are at stack. Some things tend to be “overlooked, swept under the rug, and or even rationalized” in many ways.
I bring up R Kelly because I have been one of those many adoring fans. I have loved his music since my early twenties and even when stories of him and Aaliyah and him and the peeing video were talked about by many I wasn’t really paying attention. I was busy with my own life, I was dealing with my own issues. I was one of the many who was separating the Artist from the Man. I am not ashamed to admit it because you can only do better when you know better. As time has passed and I have intentionally become more mindful and educated on his history, I have come to see that the Artist and the Man are one in the same and that poor behavior and past traumas, if unresolved can cause a lot of devastation.
I have come to use the term “Emotionally Unavailable” for anyone who displays signs of passive aggressiveness, narcissism, unresolved family issues, and what I call the “oops” effect. This is when you become the victim of someone’s actions by sheer coincidence or just because you happen to be in the way at that time. For example, repeat cheaters who are in “committed” relationships display many of the signs I listed above. When they get caught, the go to is always “I am Sorry” followed by proclamations of how you are the best thing in their life.
They become masters of manipulation by any means necessary to get what they want. They target your vulnerability and lure you in with that which you seek. If you lack attention at home, they give it to you, if you are a people pleaser, they use your need to be liked to get what they want, if your self-esteem is low they ride that wave. Nothing is off limits and not much will stop them except you removing yourself from the picture.
I’ve been doing some really deep work on myself since I left my daughter’s father in 2007. Then I really dug even deeper after my second serious relationship ended in 2012. Neither of these men were abusive in the terms most would associate but they did cause me trauma in ways I didn’t want to admit or even know how to admit until the summer of 2012 when I began to practice Yoga & Meditation. These tools along with many other things made me face an even deeper truth. My family issues since I was a child had caused me to attract Emotionally Unavailable people. The things I lacked as a child the people I attracted dangled in front of me like a piece of candy. And this was not solely in romantic relationships, this was also present in my friendships.
The deeper I went and the more layers I peeled, the more I found examples of times where those who said they loved me were the ones hurting me the most. The more they hurt me the tighter I held on because they were the only things I had or so I thought. It wasn’t until I began to value my life that I found the courage to slowly break away. One person at a time, one situation at a time. It doesn’t matter your age or background it all depends on you finding your worth.
Today I can gratefully say I am in a wonderful space, surrounded by amazing people who equally love themselves and me. Because if you don’t love yourself you can not love another. Today I value quality over quantity and can spot an EU (emotional unavailable) person a mile away. I didn’t go to therapy but I used as many free tools as I could get my hands on. If you need therapy I urge you to please exercise self-care and do so. I made peace with my family history and chose after many years of failed attempts at peaceful communications to love them from a distance. I am grateful to the men I have loved for the lessons and forgive our interactions because we were all just caught in a cycle of our families history. I appreciate those friendships that came and went because I can acknowledge now that again they also came with past unresolved history.
So how do you recognize and survive Emotionally Unavailable people?
-First, you must know yourself, your worth, your truth, your value. You must dig deep into your own history and keep what you need leave what you don’t. You must get rid of the shame and ask for help if necessary. You must let go of the blame game and invite in the healing.
-Second, trust your instincts. Don’t shut down your emotions to appease someone else. No exceptions.
-Third, forgive yourself. Forgive the person you were before you Found yourself. Forgive and be kind for you were only doing what you needed to do to survive at the time. Now you know better so you will do better and you will do it with Love.
We all have regrets in our lives, we all wish we can change something but living in that house will only kill our present. If this is where you are today, start packing so you can move out. I’m wishing all of R Kelly’s survivors love and light. I am wishing myself and anyone else who has been on similar journeys love and light. Share your experiences here with me I’d love to know how you are handling or handled your EU person.
Always stress-free xo,